10 Self-Care Tips to Awaken Your Inner God/dess

If you’re sick of hearing about self-care and have already started internally bitching at the title of this article, I can’t say that I blame you. I’m admittedly skeptical of some tips (looking at you, jade vagina egg), but while it’s easy to grumble about new-age, snake-oil bullshit attempting to capitalize on a movement that millennials actually care about, there’s obviously a real need for self-care. If there wasn’t a demand out there, self-care wouldn’t have soared to a $10+ billion industry over the last decade.

I know that this might not seem like a topic well-suited to my blog, and you’re probably wondering what the fuck I, an anxiety-ridden mess of a human,* could possibly offer in the way of useful advice. Rest assured - I’m not here to tell you to take a bubble bath or wash your face more often. Relaxing and recharging is all well and good, but I’m more interested in the type of self-care that empowers, the kind that boosts your self-confidence and gives you the energy to conquer the world.
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​Without further ado, let’s jump into a few tips to unlock that powerful god/dess who lives within us:

1. Establish your priorities. What is most important to you? It’s time to take an inventory! Start by listing 5 goals you want to accomplish in the next 5 years, and then determine 5 steps you need to take to put you on that path. To reach the top of your game, you have to figure out what your game actually is and what steps it will take to win it.
2. Make a daily to-do list and STICK TO IT! Lack of organization breeds stress, and stress can cause us to get lost in the daily grind. It's easy to get into a rut where we feel discouraged and lose sight of our long-term ambitions. Focus on one day at a time: what small, manageable actions can you take today to move forward on that 5-year plan?
3. Make your bed in the morning. It might seem small, but it does wonders for your mood to have some order in your space. Furthermore, because it’s such a small thing it’s easy to achieve. It can start a domino effect for the rest of your to-do list; once you’ve knocked out one of your daily tasks, the rest of them don’t seem so daunting. 
4. Exfoliate. I know what I said in the intro, but it’s different than washing your face. Exfoliating gets rid of all the dry, dead cells hanging out on the surface of your skin. Along with superficial benefits, like brightening your complexion, it can help you feel refreshed and reenergized. You can even make your own! I like to use avocado oil, honey, sugar, and a handful of graveyard dirt. You can recite self-affirming mantras while you scrub, or even sing a forgotten hymn of praise to the T̴̨̿̊h̷̬̚i̴̛̗̹͓̽̀̋n̷̩̦͌͛g̶̠̦̑̀̋s̴̱͕̓̔ ̵̦̻͂̓̓̕t̷̥̖͕̗̽̃h̸͉̗̦͌̌̋ä̵̮̤͚̮́̓̒ẗ̷̙̟́ ̷̙͓̥̩̆̐͂ḷ̷͌́̚i̸͉̋̌̋̄v̸̡͉̻͒͂ė̴͇̘̤̺̈́ ̷̖̗̭͠B̷̲͕͔͈͊̈́͒̚e̷͚͑͌y̷͙̰̯͋̊͘͝o̵̗̝͌͗͜͝n̵̟̬̝͌̌͜d̸̙̐̈́̂. Don’t worry if you don’t know the words - your hind-brain does! Remember that it’s totally normal if the whites of your eyes take over your irises and you begin chanting in a long-forgotten language - that’s all just part of the process, babe!
5. Get your beauty rest! I'm not telling you anything you don't already know - sleep is vital for our body to restore itself and keep our minds sharp. Try eliminating screen time before bed and making your room cozy, dark, and inviting. Light some candles or incense to set the mood. There are also dozens of apps you can use to create a soothing soundscape, playing gentle, repetitive white noise like a rainstorm, distant traffic, or the pained wails of the damned. 
6. Get to networking. I’m sure you’re familiar with the saying, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.” Fortunately, networking is way easier than it used to be and can even be fun, thanks to social media! Do a little research into the best platforms to connect with professionals in your field. If you’re more old school, you can try out the following: write your deepest, darkest desires in blood on an ancient scroll (fresh-squeezed is preferred, but if you don’t have access, store-bought is fine). Burn the scroll in a bonfire in a remote clearing in the woods at the full moon. If you’ve done everything right, you should hear heavy footfalls crunching in the dirt behind you, followed by a gust of warm, humid breath on the back of your neck. Turn around and accept your fate. I̵̫̤̅t̷̜͑'̷̻͕̏̾s̸̩̪͊͗ ̵̹̈́̅t̷̨͑͌o̸̤̿̿ọ̵̼̈́̓ ̶̯̿͜l̶̯̀̕a̷͎̝͒̀t̷̬͉̀͘è̴͙̯ ̴̬̓̎t̴̰̜̒o̷̦͌͌ ̶̳̈́ͅb̸̡̗̑̽ă̷͖̖c̴̪̽̄k̵͎͌͗ ̶͙̳̽̊o̸̭̓̒u̵̜̐͗t̴̢̲͌͗ ̵̞̊̌n̷̯̿͋ǫ̵̰̃w̵̛͓.̵̩̜̓
7. Follow your dreams! Literally. Keep a dream journal by your bed so that you can jot down all the ideas you have in your sleep. You never know what inspiration might strike your unconscious mind or what messages the shadows are whispering to you in the dark.
8. Don’t let the haters get you down. I know this is easier said than done, but you really have to find a way to get over people who bring negative energy into your life. My favorite method: write down the names of your enemies on dead leaves. Seal the leaves in a glass jar, along with a book of matches and a single crow’s feather. Bury the jar at the foot of a dying tree, spit on the earth, sit back, relax, and watch it all burn!
9. The early bird gets the worm. Whether you're a morning person or a night owl, getting an early, solid start to your day gives you a leg up on the competition. And if your inner god/dess is anything like mine, she eats a lot of worms.
10. S̸̻͉̣̮̟͈͋̍͋̀̔̓ͅt̷̢̙͎̠̗̝̻̬͒͛̎̊̋a̸̭͖̙͙̹͈͒͋̈́͑̉̈́͘r̸̡͖͔͓͕͙͙͈͂̈́̀́̈̋͑̐͂̎̂͆̊̋̇͘͝ͅė̴̥̞̯̫̰̯̘̮̹͕͙̪̼ ̴̨̧̧̛̟̬͇͙͇̯͕̘̝̈́͊̑̎̂̄͝ͅĭ̸̡̡̲̹͎̟̭̤̝̙̝̫̞̻̮̝̇͌̈́̔͊̅̄̒̈́̈̚͜͝͠n̵̨̤̗͐̔̅̈̈́̇͜ţ̷̯̥̘̻̟͈͍͖̚o̵̡̧͈̻̠̹̘̜͓̎̒͊͐̄̀́͝ ̴̡̜̹͔̱̬͓̫̭̗̗̩͊͋̆ţ̷̣͔̬͑̽̉͂̀̏̅̓̿̀̂̆͛̓͘ĥ̸͙͈̜̭͔̟̞̗̲͎͆̇̈́̄̿̑͂̇͋̋̎̈͊̆̕͝é̵̢̯̫͈͕͊̅́ ̷͉̣͔̝͐v̸͈̪̣̻̓̉͋̅ơ̴̛̥̏̓̂̃͊̂̍͑͘ĩ̶̧̡̧͙͈̦̘̳̠̪̲͎̜͂̿̅̃̾̔͒̓̉̓̿̓̅͜͝͝͝d̶̨̛͍͖͉̼̟͖̙̰͍̑̀̓̑̇͋̔̒ͅͅ.̶̺̭̬̱̪͈̀̍̿̄͂̕͝ ̵̧̡̛̛̦͙̼͍̼̟̓̂̃͑͐̃̀̐́͋̉͛͂̔̚͜E̴͈͚̒̌̈͛̕ṁ̵̡͕̉̉̔̃̅̑̈́̃̇̓̆b̸̘̪̯͔͎̟͇͚̀̀͑̑́͗͆̂͐̔͛̽͌͂̍̚͝ͅr̶̗̟͗̈́́̌ä̴̢̢̡͉̣͉̞̦̖͚̥͎͕̖̝̺̖́̆̈́͆̿̈́̏̓̐͠͝c̴̦̗̰̣̙̖̠͍̞̗̱̤̔è̶̞̫̋͆͒̐͒́̿̚̕͠͠ ̴̡̛̥̏͋̇̈́̈́̀̌͆̾͆͠č̸̳̻̙̑̀̏̾̕͜h̸͕̙͍̮̻̪̟̖̜͔̠̝̺͙͆̈́͋́̑͆̌̋͐̒̓͆͠ā̵̧̺̣͆̑̓̂̿́͐̕o̸̖͕̮̰̮͈̯̣̱̮̹̼͖͍͂̿̾̆̈́̾̇͠s̵̨̧̛̤͓̪͍͉̥̩̍̎̏͝.̷̛̞̖̦̞̼͖͛͆̂͂͆̌́̇͆͒̐ ̷̢̧̨̨͍̟̖̱̖͖̹̉͗ͅT̴̼̞̄ḧ̷͖́ē̵̡̫͓̟̤̘͎͚̺̺̤̩͈͖͈͑͘ͅ ̸̝͔̪̪͈̣͔̘̳͔̈́̀o̸͓̯͇͚̹̟̱͚̟͓̦̱͐̄̐̓͘͘l̶̟̺̥̩͍̓ḋ̴͓̺̜̭̲̦͓̝̖̭̟̮̈͊̀͜͝ ̵̨͕̣̦͕̰̱̮͚̣̫̼̟̀̃ờ̸̘̫̽̈́̅͌̈́͒̓̈́̀̌̀͗͒͘n̷̡̛̙̳͐̌̌͐̓̇͑̐e̵̛̼̝̳͐͌̈́̓s̴̭͇̟̯̻̱͇̭̙̖̞̫̲̫͓͎̐ͅ ̴̪͑͋̈́̈́͆à̵͕̲̞͊̕r̴͍̜̝͕̠̳̳̼̠̥̓̉̉͒͋̇͑͘̚ȩ̵̫̜̝͚͋̓̏̿̓̒̍̊̒͘̕ͅ ̴̹̥͝ċ̸̠͌͑̐̽̍̄͋͛́o̸̢̠̝̯̺͍̼̠̺͕̥̖͇͂̐̽͆̈́̎͂̆́̽͆̈́͘͠m̶̫̙͈̭̝̼͉͇̖̙̓̈́͐͊͊̈̐̈̽̽́̑́͜͝i̶̡̨̢̳̰̯͍̬̞̼͚̟̳͋̽̂̉̅̌̂̿͂̈́̿́͜͠n̴͇͍̭͚̉̿̅̔͐͂̈́̂̅̿̐̊̇͛̾̾͜͝ͅg̷̛̖͉̞͍͙͈̺̗̘̯̱͕̞̬͚͊̅͗͋̀͂̏̊̔̿͋̈̕͜͠.̵̡̛̥̼̟̦͔̠͔̰̭̒̎̾̽̕

And there you have it! Follow these steps, and you (and the divine superbeing channeling itself through your mortal flesh-vessel) will be conquering the world in no time.

*Probably a human.