Tarot Reading 8.26.19 I’ve decided I’m going to try to be a psychic. Look, I know that it’s supposedly a “gift” or a “calling”: a talent that’s inherited more than learned. But who’s to say I don’t have a little bit of the shining, eh? I get deja vu sometimes. I get those gut feelings everybody talks about, and they seem to be pretty accurate about 70% of the time. Like, whenever I eat at Taco Bell, I can see with perfect clarity what will be happening in my bathroom in 2 hours. Latent psychic abilities, or the perils of mystery meat? Who’s to say. At any rate, I want to try this whole psychic thing out; I want to try to connect more with myself, the universe, and my fellow humans out there. I thought about starting with horoscopes, reading the stars to see what insights I can glean, but that sounds like a lot of work. There are star charts and birth charts and planetary alignment charts...just...a lot charts and a lot of studying. I’m so over studying. I’m done with school, and I have two degrees to prove it. Luckily for me, I already own two tarot decks - because pretty cards are pretty - and the internet is flush with how-to guides for beginners like me. Luckily for you reading this, you get to come along for the ride. They say that practice makes perfect, after all, and I bet I can get some great practice doing a tarot reading for the 10 to 15 people who read this blog (hi, Mom). I can hear all of you naysayers out there: “that’s not how this works, Sarah” and “having three cats doesn’t make you a witch, Sarah.” Well, I don’t need your negativity. If I’m not a witch already, having three cats certainly can’t hurt. And if the universe is truly just a big, senseless tapestry of interconnected, shiny energy stuff, how do you know how it works? You don’t. Neither do I. Let’s just all agree that none of us really knows what we’re doing, at all, at any given time, from birth until we die. We’re all just lumpy collections of atoms floating on a dying rock through an empty, careless universe. It’s fun! Without further ado, let’s get to the cards. Did I mention they’re pretty? Seeing that I’m not an expert, I’m going to start out simple: a three-card spread, Past, Present, and Future, with a fourth card to give us an overarching theme. I’m going to ignore reversed cards for now, too. Experts recommend shuffling between readings to clean out any residual energy, and knocking on the top of the cards after shuffling helps dispel negative energy as well. (Don’t I sound like I know what I’m talking about? Thanks, Internet.) You can ask a question, if you want. Or if you think this is all bullshit, you can just hang around to laugh at me. I get the page views either way. Let’s find out what the universe has to say today, folks. Two of CupsAw, well that’s sweet. This is our theme: Seahorses in Love! Just kidding...about the seahorses. The Two of Cups is about love, though, and it more specifically represents mutually beneficial partnership and commitment. If you’re like me and think romantic love is mostly gross and squishy, this might mean a close friendship or other important life partnership. Or maybe you just really love seahorses. I don’t know your life. So, what's been going on in the Past? Five of CupsOh...ooooh my god that’s sad. Is that a dead baby penguin? Fucking...rude. As you can probably guess from the gratuitously upsetting illustration, this card represents intense grief and loss. Sounds like you’ve been unlucky in the relationship department in the past. Maybe you lost somebody, maybe you feel like you missed your shot. It’s easy to get caught up in despair. While it’s important to let yourself feel that sense of loss, it’s equally important to remember that life will move on. Notice that two of those cups are still standing upright? There’s still hope for the future. As soon as we move away from the ADORABLE PENGUIN COUPLE GRIEVING FOR THEIR TINY OFFSPRING. Whatever. I’m fine. Next up, the Present: Ace of CupsJesus, we’re really going all-in on the cups tonight. At least nobody DIED this time. Look at that sexy overflowing cup there. That’s a nice cup. The Ace of Cups means that positivity and new beginnings are coming your way. It might not seem like it - you might still be reeling from that loss you had in the past - but the universe is sure that there are good things on the horizon. New opportunities, new romance, new friendships - whatever the case may be, if you leave your heart open, you’ll experience an abundance of joy. Even if part of you is still thinking about that tiny, tiny penguin from the last card because THAT WAS UPSETTING. Maybe I’m less fine than I thought. I’m getting there (or at least this card is telling me that I am). Let’s just finish this thing. What does the Future hold for us, Mr. Tarot? Hey-o, finally not a fucking cup! The Major Arcana - numbered I through XXI - are the most powerful cards in the deck and carry more weight than the suit cards we’ve been seeing so far. You can probably guess that Strength carries positive connotations; whatever difficulties you’ve been through, you’ve overcome those battles and come out the other side a stronger, more compassionate, more self-aware person. Going back to our lovey-dovey seahorse friends, you will feel more self-confident, secure, and stable in future relationships. Overall, not a bad reading, right? I mean...it’s obviously pretty vague. And there are, like, a lot of cups. Maybe I read it all wrong and it’s really telling us that we all need to buy better glassware. Or maybe the cards just really want us all to watch this video.
I’m going to embody the spirit of the Strength card and choose to be confident in my initial reading. Whether you’re looking for love or not, it sounds like good things are coming your way when it comes to interpersonal relationships, and you can start to let go of some of that bad shit from your past. Unlike me, who will never forget that precious baby penguin from the Five of Cups. RIP, Tiny Cup Penguin. You're 5,000 candles in the wind.
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AuthorSarah Fettke is an aspiring horror author from Kansas City, Missouri. This is a place to collect her explorations of the queer, peculiar, and strange. Archives
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