The Cards Say: Tipsy Tarot Time

In an ongoing effort to open my third eye (and however many other extra eyes may be hiding about my person), I'm dusting off the old tarot deck and stretching my mind muscles with another amateur tarot reading.

I meant to do this Sunday at the full moon - especially since it was a super snow moon, which sounds like it's probably important - but the Oscars were on and I was too busy judging rich people's fashion choices while cramming my face full of gluten-free cookies. I have a solution, though; the full moon is meant to open your mind and offer a jolt of divine inspiration, right? Well, I have the perfect analog for that sort of mystical energy: knocking back several hard seltzers in quick succession. Brain sufficiently lubricated, let's see what these cards have to say about our future.

Given that, in my thirties my alcohol tolerance has reverted to that of a 16-year-old shotgunning her first Coors, and it's fast approaching mama's bedtime, we're gonna do a fast and dirty three-card spread - but with a twist! I read somewhere that it's possible to do a tarot reading without knowing the "official" meaning of the cards (source unknown...but I promise I'm not making it up); we can just use our intuition to feel what the cards mean. So here we go - past, present, and future, with my own bullshit meaning imposed on these beautiful works of art!

First thing's first, we have to cut the deck. I know that because I read it in a book. Let me get settled in on the nice, comfy floor.

Think of a burning question you're dying to answer and follow along at home. If you are a tarot expert and want to create a drinking game of your very own, take a shot every time I'm absolutely full of shit! (Warning: This good get dangerous and I'm not responsible for the health of your liver.)

PAST: Strength
Okay. So this is a bug. I'm not well-versed in my types of bugs. I think it's one of those beetles that's deceptively strong, right? So maybe, in your past, you felt insignificant in the face of whatever situation you've been in, like a small, helpless bug, but take a step back and re-evaluate: you actually showed great strength for your circumstance. Strength is relative, and even at our lowest, crawling-through-the-dirt moments, we can show great fortitude and perseverance. Maybe I'm just drunk, but that actually sounds like a pretty convincing reading to me. 

PRESENT: Ace of Wands
It's a tiny plant. More of a stick. There's some cool-looking mushrooms and berries hanging out around the base. The stick is branching out at the top, reaching up to a night sky, and there's a banner flying in the wind. Because of who I am as a person, I want to say that those shrooms are telling us to just, like, expand your mind, man. But for real: I really don't think the universe is telling us to get high. For the record: my partner disagrees and thinks that's exactly  what the cards want us to do.

​I think that maybe this card is telling us that, even if we've been feeling stuck - like a stick in the mud - it's time to reach up for the stars and branch out, aim for those lofty goals, relying on the strength in our roots (see what I did there?) to keep us grounded (oops, I did it again).
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Future: The Magician
This is just all making sense. Rely on the strength we've established in our past, reach for those stars in the present, and in the future we'll be in control of our destiny, making magic. I will admit, though - I'm not sure what the moth has to do with anything. It's a cool-looking moth, don't get me wrong. I'm sure there's some deep symbolism here - maybe something like going into the light? flying toward the flame? I might have had one too many wine coolers to suss it out. Not to mention one of my  cats is being too cute and distracting for my ADD to handle. 

There you have it. My super-scientific interpretation of the symbolism in these cards. What do you think, fellow humans? Sound off on what you make of these cards in the comments below, and let me know if there are any spreads you'd like to see next time!